Why you NEVER want to watch Firefly

Once upon a time, there was a crappy little tv show on the Fox Network that kept interfering with baseball and other, more important television shows. This show, the ‘cult classic’ known as Firefly, was a stinker. Let me tell you why this show only lasted one season.

1. The Theme Song.

The song, called the “Ballad of Serenity” is a whiny, acoustic guitar-heavy song that sounds almost Dylanesque, and not in the good way.
The lyrics are all about a person who fought in the losing side of a war. A strong hint of Confederate Patriotism lingers throughout the tune, almost as if the singer is declaring “the South will rise again.”
Give it up, guys, You lost the war.

Let it Go!
Let it Go!

2. The Cast

The cast of this crew was a group of virtual unknowns. I mean, this cast included Animal Mother from Full Metal Jacket, Wat from Knight’s Tale, an evil preacher from Buffy, Mrs. Lawrence Fishburne, and some dude who was on Barney Miller.

Seriously, who are these people?
Seriously, who are these people?

I mean, they should’ve hired on someone famous, like Rebecca Gayheart or something. If she’d been in the show, it might have been amazing. But NO! They hired all nobodies.  This is a cast of people who are wooden, careless, and sloppy actors with ZERO chemistry and no skill.

And what have they done since? the V reboot? Pan-Am? Drive?
Maybe the Terminator Chronicles were cool, and I think one of the ladies went on to be in Stargate. But I don’t watch that kinda crap. It’s BORING!

Perhaps the only true breakout star was a young Zac Efron, who played the child version of one of the lame uppity doctor with a semi Lannister-like relationship with his little sister.

3. The “Heroes” are criminals.

Seriously, they steal, smuggle, rob, they do violent things on small planets and hang out with unsavory characters.

Then, there’s this:

Look at that… this guy is supposed to be a hero, and he murders someone who’s just trying to do his job!

4. The Chinese language scattered throughout the show.

wash cusesThis show is supposed to be ‘Murican, we need English speakers here. Why is there all this darn Charnese speakin’ here?

5. The Storytelling.

If you were like me and watched the show when it was on, to give it a chance, then you had no idea what was going on. It starts off with the worst pilot ever: a group of people stealin’ medicine from poor people and mocking the victorious military. I mean, we only caught it on because we thought there was gonna be a baseball game, but stayed on because we thought it would get better. But No. We don’t know who these people are until the last episode aired on television, which would have been a MUCH BETTER pilot.

6. This thing right here:

Do you know why he’s not afraid of anything? because he’s wearing one damn ugly hat. I mean, seriously, did Mommy knit it with her eyes closed? It’s HIDEOUS. I mean, this is the Ralphie pink bunny costume of the SciFi world.
He ain’t afraid of nothing because he knows people are teasing him.

And Browncoats, PLEASE, this ugly hat and a t-shirt does not a costume make.

With issues like these that makes it no wonder why the geniuses behind Women in Prison, Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire, and of course, the best show of all, Fox News cancelled this of dirt.

Oh, by the way, in case  you haven’t figured it out…

April Fool's !
April Fool’s !

I meant absolutely nothing I said here. In fact, this month, Land of the Nerds is focusing our creative energies on Browncoats, Firefly, Serenity and all the Shiny things related to the Verse.

To thank our browncoat friends and family for their patience, let me show you something Shiny:

Mal Shiny Shirt

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