Undead Cinema: An Introduction to film reviews of older films

crypt keeperI feel like the Crypt keeper here, but that could be because I have not had coffee yet. I am aware, despite the information posed by the internet, that there are other films besides what is currently being ripped and streamed from the local theatres. Films exist that you may have missed because of life, love, family, career, hobbies or other things getting in the way of your chance to become part of the fandom at large. My film reviews will all be for films that are ‘old.’

My job here is to discuss films that continue to affect the fandom, that continue to shape our culture, our conventions, and our cosplay. I will discuss films that affect our decisions to watch future shows with “that guy who was in that other thing we loved,” and our need to go as far as it takes to get the signature of our favorite stars. My job is to help you, the reader, catch up on all of the quotes that you did not know were quotes. I want to help you make connections from film to film in a way that celebrates the History of Fandom. I am not here to simply regurgitate the awesomeness. I will endeavor to avoid geeking out and emo-ing all the films we review.

Promise #1: I will not review any film younger than five years old.

There are too many hacks out there ruining your ability to watch a film. There is a fine line between saying “you like a film” and “completely fanboy geeking,” something that happens often in our enjoyment of pop culture. There is also a subtle line between “film criticism” and just “complaining about a film.” Much like film, reviewers tend to argue as well as a film’s age. N00bs review loudly like newbies, Auteurs discuss classics well and calmly.

Promise #2: I promise not to touch the two big Star franchises.

If you have seen them, then you already have your opinion and if you have not, anything one could say will probably not change your motivation.

Promise #3: I will not be funky and numerically weird in my score.

There was a blog I read just the other day that it was giving “13 stars and 8 black holes” to a film and the reasons were pretty weak. Is that 13 out of ten? 13 out of 15? 13 out of 100? See what I mean?
My categories will be the same regardless of the film.

Promise #4: I Will Spoil the Films.

The films I review are usually between 5-10 years old. If you haven’t seen it by now, you either don’t want to see it or have already had it spoiled by SOMEONE ELSE.

Don’t complain that “OOOH Anexandros RUINED the FILM for me!”
It’s been five/eight/twenty years.

Does the film still draw people to conventions?
(Sean Patrick Flanery still does Conventions with Boondock Saints as his Resume topper)
Does the film still get quoted?
(God help me when I get to Monty Python films)
Does the film get cosplayed still?
(Is the fandom so willing to empathize that the character is a costume?)
Does the plot really stink?
(If I can’t even enjoy the plot, the film is doomed)

My Scale: Each Question I will rate on a scale of 1-10. For my final score, I will add each score up and divide the answer by 4 (the number of parameters). I will round up my fractions optimistically.

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